90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
