I am in a vortex of obligation.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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