I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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