Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
