p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
