yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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