She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
