You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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