Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
