im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
