fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
