They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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