bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
