i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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