why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
