life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
