Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
