the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
