mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
