I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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