Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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