So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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