You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
