I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
