God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
