shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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