So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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