I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
