We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So much rum. So many feels.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
