so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
