I want to walk on stilts...naked
is wine microwaveable?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
