This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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