The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
