perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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