You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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