I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
