ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
