remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
