I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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