you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
