Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
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There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
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Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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