I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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