im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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