I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
