you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
