I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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