I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
