I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pants are for mortals
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
