bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
