woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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