You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
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I need you to use more vowels.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
