She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
