he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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