Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
