I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
